Cake Balls (Confession of the Overly Anxious Baker)

Baker is my maiden name, so you would assume that one thing I can do well is bake.  Which I can, but it is usually one of those throw this in, slap this on, and ta-dah! Tastes delish, just ignore the bald spots.  Which usually works... for family.  But long ago, in a city seemingly far, far away (Decatur, the land of my teenaged years), I used to bake up a storm.  My family scarfed them down, so I assumed it was pretty good.  I tried not to eat any because I was constantly (and still am) trying to lose weight (could be all those tastings I had to do...).  But I digress.  As I grew up, I found out that bacon grease is usually not the fat you want to use to line your cake baking pans.  When my Uncle Tom told me to use butter or Crisco, I looked at him like he had grown two heads.  Weren't you raised in WV? Why buy something when you have plenty of bacon grease?  But then again, dang it, he was right.  It did taste better.  Dad said he couldn't tell a difference (but this is a man whose wallet screams every time he opens it); years later when I was told he couldn't really taste anything due to his allergies, it all made so much sense.

But I digress... as I got older and moved out on my own, I started taking leftover cake to work to get rid of it, and people (who got non-bacon grease lined cakes) liked them and asked if I could bake a cake for ______.  So I did and my own little cottage industry sprang up.  When someone asked if I could make decorated cakes, before I knew it, I was making baby cakes for baby showers, doll cakes for little girls, boob cakes for bachelor parties... uh, I mean cakes for bachelor and bachelorette parties.  But then one day, a lady asked if I could make a school bus cake for her daughter's school bus driver's birthday.  I still break out in a sweat thinking about that cake.  Oh the humanity! Let's just say it looked  like what I image a school bus would look like after a nuclear war.  I couldn't do it.  It was an utter and total fail.  I took it home to my parents' house and fed it to my younger brothers and my Dad, who groused cakes didn't taste as good as my old bacon-greased pan cakes.  I returned the lady's money and told her my dog ate the cake (I had cats), and didn't have time to do it all over again.  I stopped making cakes for anyone other than family.

Then I noticed I was having problems in other areas of baking.  Like Christmas cookies.  Frigging Christmas Cookies... uh, I mean decorated Christmas Cookies.  I just had these dreams of baking Christmas Cookies with my girls while Christmas music was playing, and what a happy little family we were.  Screeching forward in time to when my daughters were little, it was more like my descent into Tourette's Syndrome.  Oh, it always started out on a good foot, the music playing, my darling daughters getting out all the nonpareils and icing, while I made up a batch of Christmas Cookie dough.  The rolling of the dough, and then the bad language would begin when we couldn't get the dang cookies off the roll mat.  I tried everything, and the more things I tried, the more the dough would tear or stretch, the more colorful the language would fall off my tongue.  Now, I had two young daughters, how bad could the language get... well, you get really inventive when you have small children who repeat every bad word you say.  Lots of "sons of beech trees!" "You son of a MONKEY!!!" "FUDGE!" "Sheds! Sheds!  SHEDS!!!"  You get the drift.

Pretty soon my happy little dream became a sweat soaked, scraggly haired, eye twitching nightmare, which ended with me shooing the children outside or to a friends, while I cleaned up the massacre in the kitchen.  My poor little children were traumatized by this crazed woman spouting words that sounded like curse words but were not.  Years later, a friend mentioned using parchment paper and peeling the dough out between the cut cookies and I burst into tears.  Why didn't all those magazine articles say something about this magic?  Maybe I'll make Christmas Cookies with the grandkids... or maybe not.

So when my husband feel in love with my daughter's cake balls, I would drop heavy hints to my daughter to make them for him for his birthday, for thanks for moving them, thanks for handling something for her, hell, woman, I'll pay you, just make the dang cake balls for him!  Her retort?  YOU MAKE THEM.  I was always too busy.  But then one day, while reading a blog post on LittlePinkMonster.com, I noticed a link below to red velvet cake balls.  So off to the link to see how hard these things are to make.  I was absolutely inspired.  My husband's birthday had just past, and as usual, something came up that I didn't bake him a cake (this time, an out-of-town funeral).  I was bound and determined to make these for him.  I'd show my daughter. I'd show her.  Yeah... do you hear ominous music in the background or is that just our imagination?

First off, a disclaimer:  I hate getting anything under my nails.  Doesn't matter if it is blood red cake or baby poop, I freak.  I can't even make biscuits from scratch because of the OH-MY-GAWD-THERE-IS-DOUGH-UNDER-MY-NAILS Joan Crawford issue.  Instead of metal hangers, it is the nail brush being scrubbed violently under my nails.  I know it's mental, but at least it isn't obscenity laced discussions with small children present.  At the mere mention in her post of the possibility of putting my hands in the cake mixture, my eye started to twitch and I grabbed my potato masher (which rarely mashes potatoes, instead it mashes meatloaf and Bisquick.. separately).  I also grabbed my cookie dough scooper because I wasn't going to touch that stuff.  Oh yeah, I was pretty cocky going into this.

So the cake is cooled off, I crumbled it into a big bowl and giddily threw cream cheese frosting at it, picked up my potato masher and whaled away at it.  Then I picked up the cookie dough scooper and quickly realized that these would not be perfectly round balls unless I... oh sweet gawd in heaven, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Here I stood with a huge bowl of mashed up cake ball mix, a cookie scooper, and this thing that looked like an armadilla hacked it up. (Remember in Steel Magnolias when the groom's cake was made like an armadilla and was red velvet cake inside?  Awesome scene... no, I'm not making you that cake.) I was going to have to put that uneven splotch of cake mix into my hands and roll it into round balls. The first 10 wasn't too bad, but the recipe makes 45-50 balls.  By 15, I looked like Carrie at the prom or some Stigmata victim, my palms were caked in the mixture, it was -- twitch, twitch, SHEDS! -- packed under my nails.  By 30 cake balls, it was on my shirt, it was on my counters, there were clots of red cake mix everywhere.  But by gawd, I had 50 fairly round cake balls in the refrigerator by the time I went to bed.  All they needed was melted white candy coating and I would be done.  I decided to do that the next night.

Have you ever made red velvet cake with cream cheese icing?  If you have, you know that by the 2nd day, that beautiful cream cheese icing is going to have blooms of red dye coming through them.  That's all I could think about... how to keep the red velvet cake out of the candy coating.  One of the commenters mentioned just rerolling it into the white chocolate, but no one warns you about using a clean dish each time to melt the white chocolate, because no matter how cold you make those balls, little pieces still will remain in your beautiful white chocolate.  Also, the Epicurious site says to use only 3/4 of the icing tub, because otherwise, the balls barely firm up -- they are too moist -- so as you roll, little bits of not-so-firm ball mix with the white coating, and... SHEDS!!! Pink candy coating!  Unfortunately, I discovered the Epicurious review tonight... long after I had given up hope of white balls with blood red cakey insides.  I also discovered 2 lbs of white candy coating only covers 1/2 the cake balls.

It's more link pink truffles at this point.  I hope my 6'7" 260 lb husband doesn't feel too feminine while tossing these into his mouth.

Lazy Magic Bar Cookies

So... want some cookies?  Don't want a big mess and a long wait as you cook a few dozen cookies?  These have to be the laziest cookies EVAH.  Eagle Brand's original Magic Cookie Bars recipe can be found here.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.


Here's the ingredients:

CRUST
No-Stick Cooking Spray
1 stick of butter
1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/2 tsp of salt

TOPPINGS
1 (14 oz.) can Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk
2 cups (12 oz. pkg.) semi-sweet chocolate chips OR 1 cup semi-sweet and 1 cup butterscotch or peanut butter chips.
1 1/3 cups flaked coconut
1 cup chopped nuts

Spray a 13 x 9" pan with cookie spray.

CRUST:

Put a stick of butter in the pan and stick it in the oven and leave it for at least 5 minutes or until the butter is melted.  While you wait, either measure out the graham cracker crumbs or put about 8 squares of honey graham crackers in a ziploc bag and remove the air (you can roll it up with the crackers in it), and zip it closed.  Don't worry if there is some air in the bag.  Take a frying pan or a rolling pin, and whack the heck out of it until it is all crumbs. Measure out 1-1/2 cups and stir the salt into it. Take the pan out of the oven, dump the graham cracker crumbs & salt mixture into the now melted butter.  Use a fork to mix it all together, then press it flat.

FILLINGS
Pour condensed milk over crust.  Lick all the condensed milk out of the can... wait, I meant use a rubber spatula to scrape all the condensed milk out.  Sprinkle the chips over the condensed milk.  I used a mix of butterscotch and semisweet chocolate chips and scattered over the condensed milk.   If you want to be a little healthier, you could put some raisins or cranberries in the mix.  But if you really wanted to be healthier, you wouldn't be making cookies, right?  Spread the flaked coconut over the chips.

 I used a mix of almonds, walnuts, and pecans for the chopped nuts.  I had a bunch left over from Christmas candy, so I just dumped them on the chopping block and chopped them SOME -- I like to know what nuts I'm eating!  Scatter these over the coconut.  Take your hand and press it all into the crust, or act like you have some manners and use a fork to press it all in.  I don't press it flat, I just press it in so it's not all flopping around in the pan.

Throw the pan in the oven and set the timer for 25-30 minutes.  Let it cool completely.  Take a sharp knife and cut into bars.

To cut it into 2 dozen cookies, slice down the middle of the pan, length-wise.  Then cut another down each side of the first cut, making 4 rows.  Then turn the pan, then cut every 2-3 inches to make 6 rows.  The original recipe says to turn the bars out and cut them, but my pans are straight aluminum, so I just cut in the pan.  Use a spatula to pull the first one out and then you can get the rest out.  The first one might get banged up, and that's too bad, you can't serve those to guests all banged up, right?  EAT IT!  QUICK!  Before anyone else notices!

These are rich, dense, and delicious.  Try to stay away from them until they are cooled.  Well, just try to stay away from them, these are so good!

Buttermilk Bars

:-( forgot to take pictures of the entire process... but the recipe (and a picture!) are on the karo syrup site.  I love Buttermilk pie, so I thought these might be easier to make (not really, but they are finger food!).  Now before you go EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Buttermilk!!!! It doesn't taste anything like buttermilk.  It tastes like a silky custard.  Think lemon bars, but silkier.  It's yummy!

BUTTERMILK BARS


CRUST:

• 12 tablespoons butter OR margarine, room temperature
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt

FILLING:

• 4 eggs
• 1 cup sugar
• 4 tablespoons butter OR margarine, melted
• 6 tablespoons Karo® Light Corn Syrup
• 4 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 cup buttermilk
• 1/2 teaspoon Spice Islands® 100% Pure Bourbon Vanilla Extract
• 4 teaspoons freshly grated lemon OR orange peel (optional)
• 1/4 tsp Mace
• 2 tbsp lemon juice (OPTIONAL)
• Powdered Sugar (optional)

Go here for the unaltered recipe for a 8"x8" pan.  I wanted a 13"x9" pan of this, so I doubled the recipe.  Spray the pan with PAM and set aside.

You make the crust first.  Cream the sugar and butter together until fluffy.  Add the salt and flour together, then add to the creamed butter a little at a time and blend well.  Don't give up when mixing the crust, at first it's really crumbly, keep beating until it turns into more dough-like big balls.  When they get bigger than eggs, then make sure the pan is sprayed first, then dump the dough in the pan and press it into a crust, pushing it to the corners and then flattening the crust.  Use your hand and flatten as best as you can.  Stick the crust in a 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes while you make the filling.  Don't pull it from the oven if it starts to brown around the edges.  You want the crust to be a golden brown, so  you may have to go the whole 20 minutes.

On the filling, I added lemon zest but not the lemon juice.  I also added about 1/8 tsp of Mace (my secret spice).  I love Mace with custard type pies, so I added it to this recipe.  If you want more lemony type bars, add the of lemon juice. If you're done with the filling before the crust is done, it's okay to go on to something else while you wait.  But I would remix right before you pour it on the hot crust, just to make sure nothing settled to the bottom during the wait.

Put back into oven for 20-25 more minutes until the edges are browned and the middle is set.  Shake the pan -- if it sloshes, it's not done.  If it wobbles, it's done.  You can also touch it in the middle.  If it gives but doesn't cave in, it's done.  Take it out of oven and put the pan on a rack to cool.

Let cool completely and then cut into bars.  I am going to have to sneak one of these,  you know, just to test to make sure it is good... and maybe a cupcake and a magic layer bar... I mean, I would be horrified if I took these for dessert and they were horrible!

Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes

So I'm finally beginning to figure out this whole posting with pictures, so please bear with me!  New Year's isn't "my" holiday in the family realm of holiday feasts, so it is one that I can really sit back and enjoy.  I've always brought desserts, and I'm always looking for some that are interesting but GOOD.  I'm hoping these will be a hit with the kids (and a few adults).

Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes

I was getting ready to make regular cupcakes when I saw on the package a note about Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes on the Betty Crocker site.  My grandkids are 4 and 2 (almost 3!) and I have nephews and a niece with ages ranging from 13 to 8, so I figure my sister-in-law might appreciate these instead of the regular cupcakes.  They were pretty easy to make.

First, figure out what cake mix you want to use.  Hey, it's a celebration, so I had to go with the rainbow chip cake mix! Just follow the directions on the box.  Put your Ice Cream Cones in the muffin pan.  Fill 1/2 to 2/3 full -- I wanted a slight crown on mine so I did 2/3 full, and they overflowed a bit, but if you're planning on putting ice cream on top, fill 1/2.

Bake like you would cupcakes, but check at 20 minutes by putting a toothpick in the middle of one of the cupcakes.  If it comes out clean, they are done.  If wet, add 3 minutes every time you check and it's still wet. Let sit in the pan until totally cool.  It wasn't hard for me, because I still had two other desserts to make!  Keep your loved ones away because these look totally different than what they are used to seeing -- they are going to want to taste!


After totally cool, frost like you would a cupcake and put sprinkles on top!  I wanted to put the sprinkles in a plate and roll, but Hubby was fascinated so I let him do the sprinkles.  :-) As you can tell from the picture, I decided to make a few regular cupcakes for the adults. I think the ice cream cone ones will be a hit with both kids and adults at my brother and sister-in-law's New Years feast!

Chicken Parma Pasta -- super simple!

Chicken Parma Pasta -- under 30 minutes start to finish.  Serves 4 easily (or 2 if you have a 6'7" 250 lb husband)

1 16 oz box of linguine
1 tsp olive oil
boiling water
2 tbsp butter or dribble of olive oil
1 tsp garlic salt (I use Lawry's brand with parsley flakes)
1/3 cup of Parmesan cheese

Bring water to a full rolling boil.  Add at least 1/2 tsp of salt and 1 tsp of olive oil.  Add linguine, stir, and once it starts to boil, put timer on 10 minutes.  Meanwhile...

Chicken Tenders, frozen or fresh, cut into 1 inch pieces
olive oil PAM (or store brand)
garlic salt
2 tbsp butter
minced garlic (refrigerated or freeze dried -- whatever you got)
1 cup of white wine (I use whatever I have in the refrigerator -- last night it was Barefoot's Riesling, but normally I just keep one of those small box like container of cheap white wine in there)
1 tbsp dried Basil (or 1/2 cup of fresh)
1 can (or more) of Hunts Spaghetti sauce with mushrooms (or whatever you like)
1/2 cup of 1/2 and 1/2 (I use the Land of Lakes No Fat brand)
1/3 cup of  Parmesan  Cheese

Heat large frying pan (that has a lid for use later) on the stove until a drop of water dances on it.  Turn off flame (if you have a gas stove) and spray with PAM.  Drop raw chicken into pan, sprinkle with garlic salt to taste, and saute until LIGHTLY brown (don't worry if not done).  Turn heat down to medium.  Add butter and push around to melt.  Add garlic and cook a couple of minutes (unless you use dehydrated, which I've just started using).  Pour wine into pan, scrubbing the brown bits off the bottom and incorporating the butter (i.e., stir).  Add basil.  Pour Hunts sauce into pan (if you like a lot of sauce to sop up with bread, you can just add another can).  Stir to incorporate everything.  Put lid on, turn down to a simmer (i.e., low), and put the timer on 10 minutes.  Meanwhile...

Check pasta --  take out one strand and taste/chew.  It's according to how you like your pasta.  If you like to chew a lot, it's probably done.  I like it softer (but not mushy), so I usually cook another couple of minutes.  Drain and return to pot.  Add 1-2 tbsp butter and/or a dribble of olive oil.  I usually do both -- I want the flavor of butter but the health benefits of olive oil. Stir vigorously to get the pasta lightly coated or it will stick together while the sauce finishes.  Add garlic salt and Parmesan cheese.  Stir again.  Set aside while the sauce simmers.

When timer goes off on sauce, turn off burner, and add the 1/2 and 1/2 and the Parmesan Cheese.  Stir until all incorporated.  Add pasta and stir, and put in bowls or plate.  Pass the Parmesan cheese.  Serve with crusty french or italian bread smeared with butter and sprinkled with the garlic salt & parsley, and some Parmesan cheese.  You can even run the bread under the broiler to toast it and melt the Parmesan.  Drink the rest of that wine while you're at it.

Bon appetit!  Enjoy!

Au Jus Roast Beast in the crockpot

3-5 lb. sirloin or round roast
2 pkgs Onion Mushroom dry soup mix
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
2 15 oz cans beef broth
Provolone Cheese Slices
Good rolls (kaiser, etc.)

Sear pot roast either in pan with a little oil OR grill briefly on the grill (as hubby did), turning all sides to sear and seal meat.  Place in crockpot.  Pour 2 pkgs of dry soup mix over roast, followed by Worcestershire and beef broth.  Cook on high for 4 hours or low for 8.  Shred or slice thin roast, stir soup/sauce mixture, and submerge slices back in sauce.

Turn on broiler in oven.  Split rolls, place meat on bottom, drizzle with a tbsp of sauce, top with Provolone cheese, and run under broiler until cheese is melted and top slice is toasted.  Pour au jus sauce into ramikins and serve for dipping.  I put mayonnaise on mine, maybe some dijon on brown mustard, but hubby doesn't.  Served with tater tots and fruit, a yummy, quick, and filling meal.

Hubby went back for 3rds!

Original recipe from Crock Pot Girls on Facebook, with a few minor adjustments.

Forgot to Turn on the Crockpot Red Beans and Rice

2 tbsp butter/margarine
1 onion, diced
1 green pepper diced
1 lb. Turkey Smoked Sausage, sliced
2 cans Red Beans
2 cans diced tomatoes (petite dice)
2 cans water
Tabasco Sauce
Tony Chechere's Cajun seasoning(c)

Heat butter in soup pot on stove.  Saute diced vegetables for 5 minutes.  Add sliced sausage and saute sausage until browned.  Dump cans into pot (undrained) and add water.  Give 2 liberal shakes of Tabasco and as much Tony Chechere's Cajun seasoning you can stand.  Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer for however long it takes your rice to be done (or about 15 minutes if you're using microwave "instant" rice.

Serve with rice (I use Success Jasmine Rice because I like it), shredded cheese, and sour cream (you may need the dairy to quiet the burn in your mouth if you used too much Tabasco!).

This recipe is heavily modified from one I found on allrecipes.com.  I don't like green pepper and I was too hungry to brown the sausage (and dang it, it's smoked sausage!), but feel free if you want to.   I think you could easily add another can of red beans and 2 more cans of water if you need to stretch it to feed more people.  You can add more water and cook longer if you like your Red Beans and Rice thicker, but stir periodically to keep from sticking).  You can also take a potato masher and whale away at it, if you want it to look like you've been messing with it all day.


It would work fine in a crockpot, as long as you don't forget to start it up in the morning.  DUH.  Cook on low however long you need it (because it will already be done when you dump everything in it).

It's even better the next day.